Time to Waste

Yesterday was the first time in a long while I had some free time. Actual time where nothing was on a deadline or when my time was promised to anyone else. 

Time to waste is not only an excellent song title. It's also exactly what I wanted to do. So much of my time is dictated by schedules, timetables and rota's. For once if I wanted to waste my time - I could! But it comes with the fear of not being productive enough, because I don't know when the next oppertunity to have free time will come up. 

There is a lot of self doubt at the preposterousness of this rationalisation. 

I felt guilty at the prospect of being able to be a little self indulgent, but I needed to have that time to really recharge my body and brain. 

It's been a busy few weeks and I've done what I always do, plough on through and work hard, even when I have a lot on my plate already. 

It did catch up with me and I have been flagging these past few days. 

So anyway, what did I do with my spare time you ask? 

I baked Florentines, I walked Alfie Moon (yep he is named after him, no I don't regret it) and I bought a magazine - something I try to consciously NOT do. I allowed it on this occasion because this semester I'm teaching writing for advertising so it seemed like legit research... 

I considered going swimming, or tackling the ridiculous wardrobe situation - it's like a clothes edition of Jenga/Kerplunk in there...

But I didn't once feel okay about any of my day "off". I felt like I was being really selfish just because free time is SO precious now. I made it productive, I did my errands and I painted my nails and wasted time watching Catfish and CSI. But I felt this overwhelming pressure to be somewhere else - work maybe or uni - and I couldn't fully enjoy it at all. 

Yet when I'm somewhere else, busy and stressed, I long for a day like yesterday. I sit and think how much money I'd pay to have a PA for a day to do all my jobs for me so I could have a "leisure day". Surely I'm not the only one? 

I made some decisions. Which I hope will help change my mindset on this issue... 

1. Quality time cannot and should not be measured by the amount of things you cram into one day/afternoon/hour.

2. Value yourself - you deserve the time to do everything OR nothing. 

3. Do not feel compelled to justify or defend your actions to others IRL or on social media. It's your choice. 

4. Make the time work for you. If you can enjoy one hour but not a full day - have the best hour ever doing whatever you want, write, crochet, cartwheels - you get the idea. 

5. It's okay to feel bad or guilty about having time spare. It's just time, it comes it goes. Just appreciate it whilst it lasts. 

I ended up spending a lot of the day panicked about not being productive enough to tell people what I did on my day off. And whatever I said didn't sound like it was substantial for a full day of relaxation and organisation. 

The whole thing was ridiculous but looking back on it it was all completely real and raw to me. Sometimes less is more, and the less time I have spare the more I feel like I need it. Which is what made me evaluate my needs in deeper context, both financially, practically and emotionally. I feel clearer for writing today and the Florentines were pretty delicious.

Plus I now feel like I could be a super sleuth like Nev and Max or Horatio... 

Watch this space!  

I guess what I am trying to say is that time to yourself is important no matter who you are or what you do. We all need time to recharge and reflect. While I'm still learning how to manage and enjoy my spare time, I know it's something I will eventually master. And you should too, or maybe you already can? 

Make time and value yourself. 

You deserve it.